I just wanted to know what it would be like

I just wanted to know what it would be like

One of my all time favorite TV shows is Gilmore Girls. Rory goes through several boyfriends in the show, but my favorite was always Logan.  In one of my favorite episodes, Rory’s grandparents have a vow renewal ceremony and Logan attends. Up to this point in the series, nothing romantic has happened between the two of them but the sparks are definitely there.  During the reception, Rory’s dad Christopher tell her about the first time him and Lorelai kissed. He says Lorelai walked right up to him and kissed him. She then said to him I just wanted to know what it would be like! Rory, following in her mother’s footsteps, takes charge of her situation with Logan. She asks him to dance, and asks him why he hasn’t asked her out. Logan explains that he isn’t boyfriend material and him and Rory are looking for different things. After much back and forth of Rory trying to convince Logan she’s not looking for anything serious, she leads him to a room where they can be in private. Logan, still not convinced Rory isn’t looking for more asks if she’s sure she wants to do this. Rory’s response: I just wanted to know what it would be like.

Wanted to Know what it would be like

I have felt like Rory more times than I can count. Time and time again I have met a new guy and wondered what it would be like to date them, kiss them, spend more time together. Sometimes I didn’t have to wonder. I became friends or dated the guy and I knew exactly what it would be like and sometimes I wished I didn’t know. The line has always been in the back of my mind often but I’ve never said it out loud, and before I met C I never thought the line would be used on me.

I don’t remember meeting C. He went to the same church as me and all I remember is that I liked him. He was cute and smart, fun to talk to, and I hung on his every word. It’s obvious to me now that I liked him way more than he ever liked me, but I was blinded by my crush at the time. I took every chance I could to sit by him, talk to him, and invite him to outings. A few people even mentioned they thought something was going on between us, so that kept my hopes high.

I never knew if he knew if he would be willing to hang out with me, so I just kept asking and jumped at every opportunity he actually said yes. We usually hung out in groups, but one day I decided to invite him to take a tour with me. We spent a fun afternoon together enjoying the tour and after it was over we decided to go back to my apartment. We initially were talking on separate couches, but after a while we ended up on the same couch. We made out that night and I truly thought it was the start of a relationship.

The next day he barely spoke to me. I attempted to chat with him via Facebook and got limited and vague responses. That night there was a huge group activity that we both attended. He was avoiding me and I became very confused and frustrated. After a while I cornered him and demanded an explanation. His response: he didn’t want any sort of relationship with me and the only reason he made out with me was because he just wanted to know what it would be like.

Dating is hard to navigate. Trying to figure out what guys are thinking has consumed me at times. I’ve spent countless hours coming up with the perfect scenarios in my head, day dreaming of perfect dates and kisses, and dissecting every word a guy said. It was extremely hard for me to hear C say those words and it was even harder when I saw him kissing another girl (his now wife) just a few weeks later.  But life goes on and there are always more guys.

For those who are big Gilmore Girls fans, you know Rory and Logan do end up dating for a few years. Rory knew what she wanted and she went for it. It happened to work out pretty well for her (well until they broke up and came up with a terrible series finale, but I digress).  I recently found myself thinking the phrase I just wanted to know what it would be like with a new guy I have a crush on. I also find myself thinking the phrase “is it worth it.?” Would I ever want to kiss a guy I didn’t see a future with just because I wanted my imagination to become reality? Is it worth risking hurting someone’s feelings or risking a friendship? Honestly, I still don’t know. I learned a lot from my experience with C, but every situation and every guy is different. If the opportunity presented itself to me I would have to think long and hard about the consequences before making a decision.
In the meantime, I’m just going to grab a big bowl of ice cream and binge watch a new show on Netflix.


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