“Just so you know, I’m not interested in her.” Do you ever have those moments where you just know everything is going to change? This was one of those moments. I was out with my roommates and friends having a great time on weekend night. One of my roommates was determined to set Ron up with one of her friends and she had just made them talk on the phone. With all of us around, nonetheless. Ron got off the phone and we were walking toward his car when he leaned over to me and said “just so you know, I’m not interested in her.” I already guessed that, but hearing him tell me made me realize he was interested in me, something I suspected and hoped for. And this moment, something that seemed so small, yet so exciting, was the moment that changed the course of my adult life forever.
Ron and I began dating shortly thereafter and things were amazing in the beginning. I had just ended a relationship with my high school boyfriend a few months earlier, so I was reserved. We took things slow and really got to know each other, or at least I thought we did. I was 18 and extremely naive. I thought Ron was amazing and I was head over heels for him. Or at least I was probably head over heels that he liked me. You see he was a few years older. He had already been married and divorced and somehow that didn’t bother me. I thought I was open minded.
The next significant moment came a few months later. After careful scripture study and prayer I decided to break up with Ron. It was a hard decision and I was crushed. That break up could have been a significant life changing moment, however I didn’t stick with that moment. I decided to change to moment to the one where we got back together. Previous to that moment, I was just a young girl in love with the wrong guy. Nothing bad or life changing had happened yet.
The next few months turned into a messy relationship. Struggling with the decision I made to stay with Ron, I began to make bad choices. My family did not approve of our relationship, so I distanced myself from them. The wedge between my family and I only kept me closer to Ron as I felt he was the only one who understood me. Digging myself deeper and deeper into the situation, we ended up engaged and I was convinced I was happy.
Ron presented me with everything I ever wanted. Growing up I dreamed of getting married and having kids. There wasn’t anything else I wanted in life. My dream of what I wanted overshadowed the fact that Ron wasn’t the one in my dreams. Blind happiness kept me going. It got me to the point where one day, I was standing in a small town in Idaho, in a wedding dress, getting married.
Every so often, I look back at these pictures, at my face, and wonder what I was thinking in that moment. I would never describe my wedding day as the happiest day of my life. In fact, I remember crying on a couple different occasions that day. I remember the feeling of disappointment my family had. And I remember putting on a good face so I could try and convince everyone else that this was a good decision when I hadn’t even convinced myself.
At 19, I never thought my decisions would have the kind of impact on my life that they did. I didn’t realize that the decisions that seemed so small at the time would turn into life defining moments. And I definitely had no idea that one relationship would change the way I dealt with every other relationship for years after.
To be continued…
*”I do it for the ice cream” t-shirt is from Suzy Squats
*All names on my blog have been changed to protect the individual’s identity and the given name has no significant meaning.